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Citation 1
Harvill Hendrix states, “The unconscious is trying to heal old childhood wounds by whom you’re attracted to.”[1]
Citation 2
Interactions in adult love relationships can simulate the same emotional wounds each partner felt in their childhood family of origin. The way you interact with your spouse during conflicts or misunderstandings creates the same primary attachment feelings that existed with your primary caregivers and siblings. Each partner’s reactions to the resulting painful interaction can be predictable and cyclical.[2] People unknowingly repeat the patterns they have learned from their parents within their marriages and with their children.
Citations 3
Curt Thompson says, “Even though you cannot change the events of your story, you can change the way you experience your story.”[3]
Citation 4-5
Gabor Matte said, “Truth, as we know it, brings freedom—even as it evokes pain.”[4]
Gabor Mate said the definition of addiction is any behavior or substance a person uses to find temporary relief, pleasure, or soothing/comfort, that alters their states of being so that they suffer negative consequences—yet they can’t give it up.[5]
Citation 6
The addictive substance or behavior creates mood changes that feel pleasurable to the addict, but are terrifying for other family members. These mood changes include the illusion of comfort, the illusion of perfection, and the illusion of control.[6]
Citation 7
In alcoholic families, the member who drinks controls the whole family with their unclear roles and rules, changing limits, high level of conflict, and often violence and sexual or emotional incest.[7]
Citation 8
In a family with substance abuse, family responsibilities often shift from two parents to one parent. The non-dependent spouse often over-functions because the alcoholic parent is unavailable on evenings and weekends. The other spouse begins carrying most of the household responsibilities and the burden of caring for the children. This dynamic can lead to over-functioning of the non-drinking spouse and under-functioning of the alcoholic.[8]
Citation 9
“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path, until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to his ancestors and spares the children that follow.”—Terrence Real
Citation 10
“The more an individual understands his or her past, the greater the possibility that he or she will be able to control what he or she passes on to the next generation.”
–David Carder, Earl R. Henslin, John S. Townsend III, William Henry Cloud, Alice Brawand in Unlocking Your Family Patterns
Citation 11
“Trauma reshapes a person’s life. People are thoroughly different afterward. Survivors become more cautious, afraid, sensitive, often less trusting, and at the very least more aware of their immediate environment. Recovering victims of trauma, especially when loved ones were involved, will tell you that values such as security, safety, attachment, and predictability become all-important to them.”—Curt Thompson, Psychiatrist
Citation 12
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as: “Engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” This includes Pornography, Prostitutes, Serial Affairs, Phone sex, Voyeurism, Molestation
“A sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.”
Citation 13
Gabor Matte said in In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, “Truth as we know it brings freedom, even as it evokes pain.”
Citation 14
“Addictions arise from thwarted love, from our thwarted ability to love children the way they need to be loved, from our thwarted ability to love ourselves and one another in the ways we all need. Opening our hearts is the path to healing addiction—opening our compassion for the pain within ourselves, and the pain all around us.” (Gabor Mate, MD April 2018)
“It became clear to the child that the parent was a problem; he was the problem, the big problem, the only problem. If he could get sober, we would all be fine. If he couldn’t, life would be hell, unpredictable and chaotic.”[9]
Citation 15
Addicts believe the illusion that they can escape their pain through an object or event; their spouses and families often believe in the illusion that they can stop the pain if they can get an addict to stop acting out.[10]
Citation 16
When I realized this, I felt empathy for Dad. What trauma is he hiding that he ended up like this? I wondered. I somehow sensed the truth that I later learned in my research: that addiction is “really… a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress. It is a language that tells us about a plight that must be understood.”[11]
Citation 17
During brain scans, the same part of the brain lights up for physical pain and emotional pain. The addiction is just the foil or covering for the pain. The question is, “What is the pain?” The research literature is unequivocal: most hard-core substance abusers come from abusive homes.[12]
Citation 18
Research demonstrates that insecure attachment is at the heart of addiction.
Citation 19
Every part of the addiction played a specific role in addressing an area of pain. Each substance had a function in his life, and the function relates to childhood complex trauma. This is one reason we should not dismiss addictions as “bad habits” or “self-destructive behavior,” because these terms comfortably hide their functionality in the life of the addict.[13]
Citation 20
By denying their own needs and feelings and instead taking care of the needs of others, they attempt to defend against a desperate sense of helplessness and unmet needs.[14] Adult children of alcoholics often present an “in control” façade as a defense against underlying feelings of deprivation, loss, unmet dependency needs, and sadness.[15]
Citation 21
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as: “Engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” This includes Pornography, Prostitutes, Serial Affairs, Phone sex, Voyeurism, Molestation
“A sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.”
Citation 22
Ed Welch, in his book Shame Interrupted, states, “Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did, something done to you, or something associated with you. You feel exposed and humiliated. You are disgraced because you acted less than human, were treated as if you were less than human, were associated with something or someone less than human, and there were witnesses.”[16]
Citation 23
“The more an individual understands his or her past, the greater the possibility that he or she will be able to control what he or she passes on to the next generation.”
–David Carder, Earl R. Henslin, John S. Townsend III, William Henry Cloud, Alice Brawand in Unlocking Your Family Patterns
Citation 24
Melody Beattie popularized the concept of codependency as it relates to families with a chemically dependent member.[17] Beattie said, “A codependent person’s one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling those people’s behaviors.” They devote their lives to attempt to control or cure the drinker. Codependency is an unconscious addiction to another person’s abnormal behavior.[18]
Citation 25
In the addictive system a child watches, observes and learns compulsive behaviors. They learn the addictive belief system and addictive logic An addict develops a belief system, a delusional system that becomes more complex and has a quality of rigidity.[19]
Citation 26
Ann Smith, author of Grandchildren of Alcoholics says grandchildren of alcoholics suffer from the emotional.[20] physical and psychological problems of addiction and co-dependency because they were raised by parents who were themselves victims of abuse. Smith says that divorce, separation, even death of the drinking person does not remove the negative patterns from the alcoholic family system. “The negative patterns common in alcoholic families are still subtly passed to another generation. This is subtle, but they develop unhealthy coping mechanisms that then get passed down.” [21]
According to Smith the grandchildren of alcoholics can exhibit the same characteristics of ACO’s and these include self-blame, shame issues, superficial relationships resembling intimacy, tendency to be secretive, control issues, inability to manage emotions, low impulse control, perfectionism and work holism. Forty four percent of children raised in alcoholic homes reported workaholics as the most common compulsion in themselves.[22] Even in the absence of alcohol the patterns still remained.[23]
Citation 27
Like Gabor Mate said, I felt the need to “seek something outside myself to curb an insatiable yearning for relief or fulfillment. The aching emptiness is perpetual because the substances, objects, or pursuits we hope will soothe it are not what we really need. We don’t know what we need, and so long as we stay in the hungry ghost mode, we’ll never know.”[24]
Citation 28
We seem meant for one another. As a result, these connections feel exciting, dramatic, and passionate because they remind us of our longing for connection with the unavailable or abusive parent. “The complex nature of traumatic bonding creates feelings of love and longing, even with physical, psychological, and sexual abuse.”[25]
Citation 29
We were learning to stay engaged with one another, but we don’t put all our weight on people. I take responsibility for my own emotions rather than depending on the relationship to make me feel happy.[26]
Citation 30-31
Dr. Sue Johnson said, “Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing, and finding deeper connection. It is a dance of meeting and parting and finding each other again. Minute to minute and day to day.”
– Dr. Sue Johnson[27]
John Gottman, a couples researcher, says that couples that know how to repair are different than those who end up in divorce court.[28]
Citation 32
If family of origin work is needed to bring some healing to prior injuries, which are being activated in the marriage, this type of work is time-consuming and time restraints in weekly therapy limit it. For instance, some comments could include that the session was over when underlying issues were beginning to arise. In turn, therapeutic gains can quickly be lost between sessions.[29]
Citation 33
Marriage Intensives are ideal for busy professionals who would prefer addressing the origin of the issues quickly instead of taking many months for one hour a week of treatment.[30]
[1] Hendrix
[2] Johnson, 2004 (Hargrave, 2010).
[3] Curt Thompson
[4] Gabor Matte
[5] Mate, G. (2012) Addiction; Childhood trauma, stress and the biology of addiction. Journal of Restorative Medicine 1(1)l 56-63
[6] (Nakken, 1988).
[7] (Dayton, 2010
[8] (Epstein, McCrady).
[9] (Dayton 2010).
[10] (1988).
[11] (Alice Miller, Breaking Down the Wall of Silence)
[12] (j panksepp)
[13] Vincent Felitti, MD
[14] (Brown S. 1988).
[15] (Brown S. 1988).
[16] (Welch, 2012, New Growth)
[17] Melody Beattie, 1987
[18] (Wechsler, 1994)
[19] (Nakken, 1988)
[20] Ann Smith (1995)
[21] (Smith, 1995).
[22] (Smith, 1995).
[23] (Smith, 1995).
[24] Gabor Mate
[25] 3 (Lindgren, M.S.)
[26] Sonnekalb, 2013
[27] Hannah Eaton, “Marriage Is A Dance,” Accessed July 11, 2024, https://www.gottman.com/blog/marriage-is-a-dance/
[28] Needs source
[29] Anker, Sparks, Duncan, Owen, & Stapnes, 2011; Bowman & Fine, 2000
[30] Christensen et al., 2010